Tales for Awful People

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Crabby Love
October 11, 2010, 10:26 pm
Filed under: Love | Tags: , ,

One afternoon, deep under the sea, a lobster came home to find her husband waving his claws in the air and stirring up a flurry of plankton in the kitchen. Her husband was a crab, and she sighed, thinking “It’s his nature. Cancers can be so difficult.” She ignored him for a while and started reading the paper, but soon he waved his pincers within inches of her antennae.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing!” he bellowed. “Why does something always have to be wrong?”

“Obviously something is bothering you, why don’t we just talk about it like rational crustaceans? Is it because you made dinner last night too? Did you have a bad day at work?”

“Why do you always have to know what I’m thinking,” muttered the crab.

“Fine,” said the lobster evenly. She turned away and continued reading.

“If you MUST know,” the crab said, “I am sick and tired of you not lifting a claw around the house. You could have at least cleaned the kitchen!”

“Wait,” said the lobster slowly. “I didn’t even know you were planning on making dinner early, and I had to get to the post office before it closed. So now I’m not supposed to know what you’re thinking, but I’m supposed to be psychic?”

“Well!” The crab was steamed. “You should have known!”

The lobster sent the crab out to cool off, directing him to a route favored by crabbers. “He should have known,” she thought, and she turned to the “Vows” section.

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The Lord of the Jackasses
October 11, 2010, 10:08 pm
Filed under: Love | Tags: , ,

In days of old, the jackasses who worked in the farms surrounding the capitol decided they needed a strong leader to protect their interests. They set up some contests to try and find one. There were tests of strength and footraces, but all the jackasses were pretty good athletes, so they decided that the final test should be that of a jackass’s greatest talent: stubbornness.

The fastest racers and strongest haulers got together and began to tell tales. One spoke of being hungry for apples when it wasn’t apple season and spending months staring at an orchard, waiting for the fruit to ripen while nearly dying of malnutrition because she only wanted apples. One spoke of the time he’d become stuck in a gap in a plank fence, and, instead of asking for help, he just waited for the boards to rot around him. Finally, the strongest, fastest jackass spoke up. “Dudes,” he said, “I’ve been in a relationship for over a year, with a lady I met on the internet. We fight all the time, and I don’t much like her, but I don’t like breaking up with people, so I guess we’re getting married.”

The others gasped and bowed before their new Lord of the Jackasses.

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