Tales for Awful People

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The Foolish Queen
October 13, 2010, 12:51 pm
Filed under: Work | Tags:

Once a bee with little management experience struck out and started her own hive. She had no idea what hive running involved, so she decided to concentrate on what she liked best: bossing the other bees around. She hired three or four drones, and then called them constantly with directives on how to make wax, how to build honey combs, and how to find flowers. “Dude, did she just explain to me what pollen was?” one drone asked another after one of the queen’s visits. “I don’t know, but if she tells me to puke up honey one more time, I’m going to sting myself in my own throax,” said another.

The bees buzzed and did their jobs, but the hive was failing. For one thing, the queen had built it in a howling wasteland, because the rent was cheap. For another, the queen was better at flying into high pitched buzzing rages at her drones when cutomers were around than she was keeping the hive profitable.

Finally, her drones just started ingnoring her demands, because she was impossible to to please anyway. Then the hive was raided by bears, because the queen had forgotten about anti-bear precautions in the frenzy of micromanaging nectar storage.

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The Mouse Who Did Not Understand the Value of People’s Time
October 11, 2010, 10:53 pm
Filed under: Work | Tags: ,

I daresay it was a powerful long time ago that I first heard this wee yarn, pill perhaps at the knee of my granpappy. You see, ed there was this little mouse, ask tiny little devil he was, and one day he decided he would like to build hisself a right fancy website for his mousie business.

So he went and sought out experts in this field. He was a rather well-to-do mouse, but he thought he could gain sympathy by representing otherwise. He wore his oldest clothes and shoes with holes in them. He said “Oh, I only have 5 grains of wheat, is that enough?” And they said “No, little mouse, that is not. You are asking for too many features, and many of them do not even support your business goals.”

He said “Well, Lawsy, how hard can this be?” And he went off to purchase hisself an instructional manual. And for months he tinkered and toiled and chewed the end of a pencil all the way to a nubbin, and got positively nowhere. Then his business failed due to the lack of an online revenue channel, his wife left him when he lost their hole, and his children ate him one cold night in an alley. Some of his vendors were also negatively affected.

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The Sloppy Gazelles
October 11, 2010, 10:47 pm
Filed under: Work | Tags: , ,

Once a gazelle who worked as office support for a mid-sized herd noticed that her co-workers were going insane. After years of resonable communication, clinic they had all begun to insert apostrophes into standard plural forms. She tried to reason with them. She cited books on grammar and advice from respected professionals, doctor to no avail. Finally, she got disgusted and just tried not to pay attention. If her co workers had stopped being alert, why should she be? The very next day, a pride of lions charged in and decimated the herd, who had been dreamily “doing their own thing” with no attention to things like correct punctuation or approaching predators. As she watched the lions gnaw on her co-workers and friends, the gazelle wished she had pressed her point more stridently.

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Why the Diplodocus Had Such a Long Neck
October 11, 2010, 10:45 pm
Filed under: Work | Tags: , , ,

Let us speak, and friends, illness of the dawn of prehistory, when dinosaurs ranged ‘cross the earth. A diplodocus was out grazing near a still pond, when he realized that night was coming soon. He was still hungry, but had yet to eat his fill because he spent the morning on a conference call and then checked his fantasy sports leagues. He went up to the apatosaurus and said “I know it’s getting late, but could you use your ponderous bulk to knock down some of those trees over there so that I might sate my hunger with the tender leaves from the tops?”

The Apatosaurus, who had a second brain at the base of his tail, lumbered over and roared. “I am about to leave for vacation!” Then he grabbed the diplodocus by the tail and yanked! The diplodocus had to grab onto a tree with his teeth for dear life, as the apatosaurus tried to fling him into the pond. Eventually the apatosaurus let him go and left, mumbling about taking his retriever to the kennel before catching a plane.

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The Fruit Bat Who Was Always Peckish
October 11, 2010, 10:41 pm
Filed under: Work | Tags: ,

Deep, deep in a green jungle on a lazy island, a camp of fruit bats lived in a sprawling tree. These fruit bats were in charge of pollination and seed dispersal for the entire south of the island. A young female in account services was known for her habit of dialing her voicemail on speakerphone, which meant the entire rest of the office could hear it too. The other fruit bats tried to carry on their business, chattering and sucking the pulp out of fruit, but sometimes it was too much to ignore. Boooop. Beep beep boop, beep beep. “Hi, Boo Bear, it’s me, just wanted to let you know I picked up the dry cleaning, so don’t bother.” Boop beep. “This is Doctor Chen’s office, we need to reschedule your pap smear.” Boooop. Click. (You could hear instant messenger windows opening all across the office after a particular good speakerphone session.)

This fruit bat also liked to dial extensions on speakerphone and then pick up with a terrible crash once the other party answered. When she was new, the others gave her the benefit of the doubt, but after a few months of speakerphone abuse, they got together and secretly had her car towed. She also couldn’t figure out why her lunch disappeared from the fridge each day and took to writing strongly worded sticky notes.

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The Creative Wasp
October 11, 2010, 10:35 pm
Filed under: Work | Tags: ,

There was a busy wasp colony under the ledge of an old New England house. The wasps chomped and chewed all day long to keep up with construction demands for their nest. A new wasp flew up one day, and he announced that he was a master builder from a little hamlet up river. The other wasps were pleased, as they were getting behind schedule. But the new wasp did not dive right in and masticate. He tended to hang back and supervise, always giving out helpful tips on how to build a better nest. Finally one of the other wasps said “It’s been two weeks, and you haven’t picked up a single piece of dirt. What’s wrong, do you not like working with us?” The new wasp replied “Oh, it’s just that I’ve been so blocked lately. You know, creatively.”

The other wasps creatively blocked him up in a new nest chamber.

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The Ass and the Weasels
October 11, 2010, 10:32 pm
Filed under: Work | Tags: , , , ,

A group of weasels was asked to form a forest task force on litter control. They asked the fox to be on it, and he said “Sure, but I’d love to hear your ideas first.” So they asked the game hen, and she scurried away without talking to them at all. No one was particularly responsive, so they even left the boundaries of the forest a bit. There they saw an ass in a field, and they approached him. “Hello, ass, would you like to be on our task force?” The ass thought about it and said “Sure, what do you need me to do?”

So the weasels had him draw up an agenda and brainstorm with himself. The ass toiled through the night, and in the morning, he presented the weasels with a powerpoint. They hadn’t come up with any ideas at all, and the ass was disgusted. He thought to himself “They are inept and lucky to have me at all. I guess it is the burden of the ass to carry the less fortunate.”

The weasels gave him some feedback, and he spent the next night revising and tweaking. This cycle continued through several rounds of pre-meetings. The night before the big presentation to the forest council, the ass didn’t get a single wink of sleep. He was groggy and irritable, but he went to the big meeting anyway, as it was his duty to help these less fortunate creatures. The weasels delivered their report and did not mention the ass’s help once. He brayed and protested, but they told him that it was unbecoming to try to take credit where it was not due. The other animals looked down their snouts and beaks at the ass. He was so mad he took off running, and in his fatigued state, he did not see the cliff in time.

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The Snooping Hippopotamus
October 11, 2010, 10:09 pm
Filed under: Work | Tags: , ,

This is the story of a very large hippopotamus who huffed and puffed when he walked. One fine day, he sloshed through the shallows of the river to consult with human resources. He was six kinds of steamed, because he had used his privileges as a network administrator to look at the salary spreadsheet for the office. The oryx made more than the hippo did, but the hippo had to carry a pager on weekends! All the oryx did was shuffle paper.

The hippo snorted and pawed the dirt and shifted back and forth awkwardly as he waited for his meeting. He explained the gross unfairness of his predicament to the HR zebra. She sighed, and said she’d have to consult with her director. The hippo left, imagining how he’d use his raise to get satellite TV.

When he got back to his wallow, he was surprised to find that his email password no longer worked. He turned around to find two giraffes from security standing behind him holding a cardboard box filled with his personal effects. “There must be some mistake,” he roared, hurtling off into the uncharted plains in a blind rage.

He awoke with a terrible sting in his left flank to the hazy vision of a plump five-year-old boy shoving peanuts through the bars of a cage. The only mistake had been the hippo’s.

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